Saturday, September 11, 2010
5:49:00 PM
These two nights, I have been drinking. ALOT.
But yet, all the while, I was still awake. I wanted to cry... but I couldn't.. until certain points of time..
But yet, and again, I was still AWAKE.
Thursday was a hectic day for me.
I killed 90% of my braincells in my two lessons.
The first lesson had me trying to figure out what my angmoh tutor was nattering about.
When he said "Manipulate" I kept hearing "many people" or "many pillars"!
The whole class was having the HUH? face at times..
Then the second lesson had me trying to solve challenging sums... until I was nearly brain dead.
I was pretty sure my teammates were all brain dead too!
and.. both the lessons..... THE GROUP PRESENTATIONS all I tio FIRST WEEK.
Its a curse from previous semester. I am always drawing lots and getting the FIRST WEEk.
After my lessons ending at 4.30, I reached KK hospital at 6++.
Was pretty shagged by then...
Afterwhich, we ate mac there... and I reached home at 8.30.
But no, I could not rest due to the time constraints. I was supposed to meet them at Harbourfront at 10!!!
But I fell asleep -.-
I woke up and chiongggeeeddd and managed to reach there at 10.15.
Then me, Auda and jon went into PH and met up with Daryl and his friends.
Many things happened that night..
I drank alot Martel and beer but nothing worked for me...
I was simply high for a moment.. then awoke immediately -.-
Actually I was quite emo at the club.. but I had to act like I was happy.
Then that silly jonathan went to make me cry T.T *fufu.
Don't be mistaken la.
He was abit toot toot liao.. and lost to me THREE Times in a row for the 15-20 game lor!
then he told me, "don't care about us liao.. jus care about yourself. Your own problems you haven even solved."
I was like" Huh, my own problems? I tried to solve le ah."
Then he replied "solved????"
Dunno why linked until my parents there -.-
I think he read my blog...
He said angrily, "Wahlao if I had parents like this, I will just leave home and live elsewhere lo"
I was pretty stunned at that point of time.. because Jonathan is actually a very filial guy.
He continued, "Please lor, there is a limit de. Your parents so old le still dunno how to think."
I was like abit pissed but I was not drunk so I replied "aiya... its precisely they old thats why I cannot leave them. Plus my brother left them for good le.. only left me to take care of me"
To cut the story short, he kept saying I should think for myself and scold my parents etc..
And I was adamant that I should be taking care of them..
Then Linking to my mother's illness, I started to drop a few tears..
And that Daryl stopped us then asked us to drink.
So I drank more beer.
Went toilet once.. then something happened..
I only remembered that during the evening on the next day. -.-
Then.. we hit the dance floor..
OMG sia.. Jessica neh neh wanted to go up stage to dance. She was tipsy then.
And Kept pulling me... the rest was like cheering for me to go up.
I didn't want to at all.
But I saw Jessica grabbing some girl to dance with her then this girl SUPER Dao just shrugged her off angrily.
And many stuffs.
So I went up on stage with great reluctance.
And danced for MANY SONGs.
Because that JESSICA kept saying last song last song but her last song was infinite de.
I was super embarrassed especially during the middle part because I suddenly became SUPER awake. Totally not high le.
And I felt that my dancing sucked because I seldom danced -.-
The rest still an wei me and said Very nice what, acted until very les. -.-
After coming down from stage, they walked away.
LEAVING ME ALONE THERE on the dance floor.
I couldnt find them at all. Haiz kept kanna being left alone.
I found them outside toilet.
So...another thing happened again..
Resulting in much unhappiness..
Jonathan grabbed my shoulder and pushed me hard against the wall.
I could feel my backbone cracking. Ouch.
Then he stuffed the key into my hand and furiously stomped off.
And blah blah blah.
It all ended when the guys all sat outside PH and Jon and Jess sitting one corner.
I couldn't take my emoness anymore... especially when so many things had happened.
So I decided to disappear.
since everyone had everyone else taken care of and I was pretty sure that Jon will take care of Jess on my behalf.
I walked past them..nobody saw me.
I went all the way to Vivocity (which was remarkable considering I am a lu chi/road idiot)
and stood near a cafe, wanting to wait for the first train.
I was suffocating, wanting to cry, but couldn't cry out.
In the end Jess and Jon found me.. Thanks guys..
Thats the point of time when I finally managed to cry out.
Because of these two friends' concern.
Or else I would have held it in..
Cry cry cry...... Jessica kept consoling me... saying things like "I love you darling.. don't be like this.. I am really worried for you etc."
Was really very touched.
I think that was the first time crying in public until like that without being drunk.
After a very long while... really very long while...
We took taxi to Jon's house.
And we slept.. till the next day.
Then ate muay~ with dishes..
And slept somemore.
Me and jess went to bugis to meet Sharry.
Jon went for his friend's birthday party.
At bugis, we decided to eat STEAMBOAT, courtesy of Jessica.
By the time we stuffed ourselves to death, it was 11pm, close to 12am midnight.
Can't believe I was still wearing the same dress for two consecutive nights!
But of course the makeup all gone le.. super cui.
Irene, my darling roomie, wanted me to pei her drink.
We went to a pub in Boat Quay.. I think it was Amber 21?
And opened Martell.. before that I tink we drank 4 bottles of beer.
wah wah. Played games, sang ktv...gossiped... and DRANK DRANK DRANK.
Until the bottle left 1/4
Then we headed to kopitiam to the yummy mee sua place.
cus IRENE said she hungry ma!!!
In e end ordered the mee sua for her to share with me, she ate very little -.-
We poured two tablespoons of martel into our meesua, with misgivings from other ppl.
LOL IT was DELICIOUS!!
like some herbal tun soup.
And I drank many mouthfuls of Martel leet straight from the bottle.
About 7 mouthfuls, I was like, Should I drink until 13 to make myself unlucky?
Then irene kept insisting on me to drink till 17.
The rest all stoning ah.
They were only awake when there was a fight going on..with bottles and everything.
I was unlucky enough to miss it because by the time I took out my specs, the fight was already over -.-
Irene kept pushing the bottle to me and said "Eclair you NOT DRUNK. DRINK MORE"
I was like O.o
And drank...
We stoned, gossiped, laughed like mad and ate from 3am to until nearly 7am!!!!
And everyone laughed at the expense of me because of my "drunk" stories.. neh that one at my void deck.. when I thought I rolled on grass, but never.
Oh wells, the group clown ^^ Because pretty much everyone else was stoning.. so I had to cheer the group ma.
And I confirm guarantee chop I drank more than 20 mouthfuls of LEET martel from the bottle because the 1/4 left in the martel bottle was totally FINISHED.
And surprisingly I was not drunk at all.
Not even remotely high.
Sigh...
These two nights, my mind kept playing 没那么简单，猜不透 and 突然好想你。
Then at 7am+, we went to KK hospital again.
I was really emo because of two people and myself..
Why love is creating so much problems?
And I really think I meddle too much in their business..
I really wish I could help them.. but ultimately, they can only help themselves.
But I dunno whether I had been a good friend to them..
And thus I was feeling really emo.
We went to Mac to eat breakfast because we needed to wait till 9am.
So I ate big breakfast from 8 to 9plus.
I felt that I did many things wrongly... but...I think.. (aiya dont say liao)
When we were inside the hospital ward, my emoness level raised three notches.
I felt claustrophobic suddenly because the hospital ward reminded me of my 9mth torture.
And previous grandmotherly deaths...
I tried to control my emotions..
Then at last, we returned home..and I reached home about 10.45am.
I smsed two people... with sadness..
And.. I stoned till 12pm... at that point of time, I managed to cry just a little. Around three to four tears.. That's how drained I am. I couldn't even cry anymore...
I could only tear.. for myself and other people..
Really, my heart hurts alot..
And I slept.. till now.
I am sorry...to both of you.
Really.
I wish I can do something..
I want to be there for you two.
Just like how you guys are there for me during this period.
You two are really my beloved friends..
Especially Auda who has been like a best friend and a sister to me.
I am really very worried for you two.. Haiz.
Sorry is the word that I can only say.. and keep repeating.
HAiz. so sad.. feel like crying again.. but no tears... only this sinking feeling in my stomach.
Why..
Why must we have love?
Actually most of us have many problems hidden in our hearts..
And after knowing everyone's hidden problems..
I am really sad.
It's all related to love.
And I couldn't help any of my friends.. except to listen... and give crappy advice.
To Jessica, Jonathan, Irene, Gerald/Jerry, Minoru/Jeremy, Pala/Pam, Ken and many others..
Please stay strong.
The most of all, I know he won't see this but..
To Alien, please strive on. You have a bright future ahead of you. Don't throw it away. Your mother really loves you alot and wants the best for you. Me too.. Even if I never reply you..or never say ily or tell you that my heart hurts like you do to me.. but I am actually still worried about you.
This may be the last time I am saying here.
I love you.
Oh ya, beside stoning from 10+ to 12pm when I reached home,
I transcribed my translation of the chinese song lyrics for a song within 15-20 minutes. This song is pretty hard to make it grammatically correct and coherent.
黄小琥-没那么简单
作词:姚若龙作曲:萧煌奇
Lyrics translation: Eclair Lee Hui Yi! :D (Sorry for the lousy translation by me)
没那么简单 It is not that simple,
...就能找到聊得来的伴 To just find a companion you can talk comfortably,
尤其是在看过了那么多的背叛 Especially when you have seen so many betrayals before.
总是不安只好强悍 I am always insecure, so I have to be strong-willed.
谁谋杀了我的浪漫 Who has killed my romance?
没那么简单 It is not that simple,
就能去爱别的全不看 To just love wholeheartedly without seeing other factors.
变得实际也许好也许坏各一半 Becoming practical may be either good or bad, or even both.
不爱孤单一久也习惯 Even though I don't love to be alone, I have become accustomed after a long period of time.
不用担心谁也不用被谁管 There is no need to worry about anyone, nor being controlled by anyone.
感觉快乐就忙东忙西 When I feel happy, I will just make myself busy.
感觉累了就放空自己 When I feel tired, I will just relax myself.
别人说的话随便听一听 Other people's words are taken with a pinch of salt.
自己作决定 Every decision is made by my own self,
不想拥有太多情绪 And I don't want to feel too many emotions.
一杯红酒配电影 With one glass of red wine, accompanied by a movie,
在周末晚上关上了手机 During the weekend night, with my handphone switched off,
舒服窝在沙发里 I sat on the sofa comfortably and cozily.
相爱没有那么容易 Loving each other is not so easy.
每个人有他的脾气 Everyone has their own temper.
过了爱作梦的年纪 Being past the age of dreaming,
轰轰烈烈不如平静 I prefer the peace and quiet to the excitement.
幸福没有那么容易 Happiness is not that easy,
才会特别让人着迷 And that is why people are exceptionally fascinated by it.
什么都不懂的年纪 The age whereby I was ignorant of everything and
曾经最掏心 The past that I had wholeheartedly put my feelings in,
所以最开心曾经 are the reasons why the past is the happiest.
想念最伤心 Missing someone is the saddest feeling,
但却最动心的记忆 But yet this is the most touching memory.
This song really suits me and Auda to boot.
It is not easy to love.
We have past the stage of being naive and ignorant.
Our past relationships had made us be suspicious and wary of love.
Love is not only about love...
It consists of other factors too.
Acceptance, tolerance of each other's tempers..
And many other things.
When we were young and dared to love, we put in all our feelings wholeheartedly..
Especially for my third relationship.
But end up... there was only heartbreak.
It doesn't mean if you put in all your feelings, the relationship will work.
I hate growing up.. but... there is no choice.
I have seen everything.. illness, heartbreak, dreams shattered, financial instability and family problems..
I can act as if I am really happy.. but not for long.
I am really drained.
So how can we still dare to love?
``like miee for miee -- // * -nobody's perfectt-
