Sunday, October 24, 2010
11:08:00 PM
Serious.
Somewhere befuddled in my dream, I knew I had a pillar of support there for me, no matter what I am doing.. or what hardship I will be going through.
When I woke up, I cried..because I knew it was just a dream.
In this cruel reality, I have no solid pillar of support in sight anywhere.
And I have a feeling my life is going to go downhill..
But then I was thinking, hey it's a wonderful Sunday..wth could go wrong?
Plenty.
Was planning to go out with my friend to shop for that birthday present.
Just before stepping out of the door, WHOOMMM.
I know it is very embarrassing to speak about this, but since only 1 or 2 people are reading this blog, heckit... just say it here.
I received a sms from Dad..
Asking me to transfer him 500 immediately if not loansharks will come my house and spray paint.
Telling me that he is at his wit's end.
How many times have this been going on and on?
Why can't he just close the fucking shop?
Initially I remained calm..
then when I walked across my carpark.. I was really really at my breakdown point.
I threatened my dad.
Yes this time I will still transfer the money..
but if by late Oct or Nov, there is no one to transfer the shop to, you have to give up the shop.
If not.
I will leave home.
This is the first time in my entire life I have ever said such a sentence.
Now I knew what my brother felt. Except mine was a hundred times over.
Yes, I will really leave home.
I dunno how long I can cope here.
With two kids that are in two SENIOR CITIZENS' bodies.
One who doesnt have any money, but still want the freaking shop.
One who has a multitude of medical bills every mth to pay, but still want to go out everyday and gamble or have fun.
Two of them who have no idea how it is like to be the first person to see paint on door each time TWICE. And mind you, both times weren't our family's fault. It's other families.
Everyone thinks I am the God of Fortune.
If I am, do I need to think carefully everytime when I am about to spend money?
Do I need to remain silent while NIE people chatter about their expensive gadgets, clothes...their ability to spend more on teaching aids and picture books?
I didnt even bought the Kindle in the end.
Nor anything that I wanted.
And then..okay.. go out.. in the mrt, I was really restraining myself from dropping tears.
The tears just kept rolling around in my eye sockets.
*** shop around for the present.
After going so many shops (since that time from JB till today), finally narrowed down to 2 choices.
One that looks nicer but way more expensive.
One that looks nice but not as nice but way cheaper.
In the end.. no choice.. of course the nicer one, because guys will have more face if the brand is better.
Then when going home.
Someone told me the party was cancelled.
Because they all went yesterday.
My heart dropped.
And until now I still couldn't understand why he couldn't just tell me that the party has changed to saturday.
Maybe he doesn't want me to go.
Maybe he has forgotten about me.
I tried to hold in my tears.
I am a very strange person. The more I tried to hold in my tears for the whole day, the more irritable and irate I got the whole day.
That's why I tried not to shoot people.
Then in the end, he said he shall be alone on his birthday then.
See? My fault again.
I just need a reason to move on and not to nag anymore (like my friend).
He couldn't even tell me why he didnt tell me in advance.
I even put aside stuffs... and assignments to go out shopping today.. and to attend his party.
In the end?
As expected.
My previous post said next week I am going to be so emo.
what a lovely prediction.
Why is it that everytime there is a special occasion my heart will drop and I will have the urge to cry?
Last Christmas.
This year Valentine day.
Some anniversaries.
MY birthday.
Maybe yeah, I deserve what I am getting.
Cus I am the shittest person on earth.
Oh I suddenly remembered I had typed an entry a few days or weeks ago. But in the end I left it in the drafts. Should quote from there now. It was from 10 October:
The fault for everything lies with me.
I am the 最后祸首。
I am not strong enough. Not resilient enough.
Not good enough. Not tolerant enough.
Not pure enough. Not good-tempered enough.
Not understanding enough.
A good-for-nothing and a fool.
How true.
I wonder what's going to happen next?
I am so tired...
Now when I reached home, everyone was acting like nothing has happened.
In fact I think my mum doesnt even know my dad is at the brink of trouble.
That day..Thursday night..my mother also asked money from me.
I felt really really really...empty.
Like I said, if they are going to spend it on their luxuries or health or whatever, I am fine with it.
Anything but loansharks and gambling.
Fuck.
Why am I surrounded by people who always owe money.
And then dont want to return some more.
And ask for even more.
Okay they are my parents. It's okay if they dont return.
That freaking CREEP who owed me $800 also doesnt want to return.
But seriously I am fine with everything liao.
I dont even bother to sms since April to chase for money anymore.
For my dad, he claimed that he will return me everytime..but never..
I already told him, I rather him quit the shop.
Age 22.
Savings: nil.
PS: I think I have used the F word twice in this entry. That accumulates to about three to four F words in my entire blog. I am so apologetic..but....Yeah I need that.
``like miee for miee -- // * -nobody's perfectt-
