Tuesday, March 22, 2011
10:25:00 PM
It is full of crap. Especially the third wish.
I have sold away my third wish for money. I had no choice then. Or even now.
I feel that I am getting weaker and weaker each day, be it in mind, soul or physical body.
Everything in my life is so fragile that anything could shatter with just one nudge.
Yeah, let's list the fragility of some important aspects of my life, from lowest to highest degree of fragility.
1. Love (Its formula is always volatile.)
2. Friends (Lack of contact/interest in me..especially for those others.)
3. Finances (Colleagues and most people think my pay is like shit. Some people think it's alright. The most ridiculous thing I ever heard is that I am rich.)
4. family (I just don't want to face it because I do not have the capability of doing to change it.)
5. Health (Been sick since end February? Consecutively sick for two weeks and counting. Losing my voice more than once and again soon.)
6. Career (More about that later.)
7. Dream/will to live (Like I said, I am missing something in life. That spark.)
Yeah. Did I mention my career?
Every other day, I would question my ability to continue my career path. (Yeah, like I have any choices.)
Why? It is not because it is so exhausting or tiring.
It is making me doubt myself.
I really think I am not qualified at all.
I thought I have improved, but it was all a sham.
S told me I have improved but I could see that it is all for naught.
Each day, the standards keep climbing.
Now all my LPs are deemed interesting but the flow isn't there or something is not right etc.
I don't blame her, because it is good that she is critical.
But it's really making me feel as though I will never live up to her standards no matter how hard or how much better I am getting.
So everyday after each conference, I will wonder if I am stupid or hopeless.
Because my mind will go blank inevitably after my Ls and she would ask me for things that have gone wrong in the conferences and how I would improve on them.
Sometimes I would stutter. But I have already tried my best to rack my brains.
Then today, she touched on professionalism.
I think she was hinting to me about J being so much better, although I know she is doing that for my own good.
But I don't think that J is ever required to do such LPs like mine.
I don't mind being compared, I know I will lose to him or even them.
Because they are so much more experienced and capable in that sense.
But then, it blew my mind when she told me that being late was not professional.
And she said that someone has told her that I came in at 9am plus once, and I even told the person that I didnt know I must go for Asmb when questioned by that person.
I was stunned. I don't know who that person was, but she was definitely lying.
I told S to check the G records. All the timings would show 7.15-7.40.
Then she kinda frowned and said but that person has really told her that.
I began to doubt myself...perhaps I did come late and I forgot. (Yep, that's me, I doubt myself easily when people insist on putting me down.)
Then I went to G to check..I am right. I really didn't.
I feel so wronged.
And I was already so depressed due to last night, my sickness/lack of voice and my thoughts about my incapability to do what my role should do.
And then after that one hour long talk, I came out to another bout of SMS depression.
Then, A smsed me, telling me that our N is popping in tomorrow.. and he emailled us only at 5.15pm.
Afterwards, I selfpwned myself by "inviting" R to tomorrow's L with N. Double O!!!!!!!!!
With all the thoughts whirling in my mind, I thought my mind could simply just explode and die.
Haha.. CY just told me that she loves my quote: "Can I give up on life before it gives me away?" .
How? How? How?
I kept consoling myself recently. Picking up various times after I have fallen.
But it is simply draining me of my essence.
``like miee for miee -- // * -nobody's perfectt-
